Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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