shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
