i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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