Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
