Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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