Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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