something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
