Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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