Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
