i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
