You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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