Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
