I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
