I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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