Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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