On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
