Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
sex in a hospital.. check
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
