Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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