i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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