Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My feet surprised me
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
