I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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