She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize