Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
