Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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