What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
