He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
