Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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