Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
