Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
