I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
