I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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