A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
