It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
