when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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