and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
