I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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