she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
