You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize