I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
