i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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