just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
