We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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