It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
