I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
