I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
it's not cheating when I paid for it
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
