you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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