Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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