it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize