I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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