thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
