life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
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