Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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