I puked a lego.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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