Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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