She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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