I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
