I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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