I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
