I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
