you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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