Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
