I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
