i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
